[journal entry from earlier this year] FOUND Living here, in this filled yet desolate place I write in the middle of a storm. My question: Is this storm real? With real winds and real waves or is it imaginary? Have I created this storm? Am I experiencing what I am experiencing because of the decisions I have made? Or is it God’s will? Am I walking down the direction of my destiny, down the path God has set before me? Within my heart lies a deep frustration deriving from a sense of stagnation, as if I have been running around in circles, trying to get somewhere but never really going anywhere. Questions, no answers. Confusion, no clarity. In the midst of fear and disbelief, as well as being chained down to false hopes and ungodly expectations many times I’ve cried, “Oh joy, where did run off to? Peace, why did you leave me? Love, where are you?” As I look in the mirror, I realize they did not leave me, rather I Ieft them. Can I tell you the greatest goliath you will face in this life is not whether you will get into the right college, or get the job or even if she will go on a date with you. Your greatest goliath lies deep within, the place that no one sees but God Himself. It takes courage, faith and humility to search beneath the sands of your heart to see your whole self. And not only seeing, but willing to take action by letting God heal your wounds, restore your identity and save you from yourself. deep breath. Interestingly enough, as I write, the ruffling music in the background calls out to me. My ears tingle, as words of honey glaze through my body seeping down to the depths of my soul. The singer passionately proclaims to his Maker, “I’ve found myself in You. I’ve found myself in You.” My ears cannot stop ringing. My heart cannot stop racing. My spirit deeply connects with the lyrics. His heart speaks, “I’ve found myself in You.” This powerful declaration is one of freedom, revival and identity. I ask myself: where was the singer before he found himself? What song was he singing? Was he passionately proclaiming anything? The answer, I probably will never know. But what I do know is that he found himself in You. And if he found himself in You, then without You he must have been lost. It is interesting to me that Chrisitians can be so lost, with so many different things pulling them this way and that way. Where is the center? Where is the truth that sets free? Why do I let this and that pull me away? Subtly and slowly I move and slide down a slide that God never meant for me to slide down. Where are my eyes? Where is my voice? Where is my cry? I take my eyes off my surroundings and what others say and I turn to my Maker, my God. I see Him. Now I see. Now I see. I am found again. I once was lost, but now I am found. Faith, the child like faith that used to permeate out of each pore is alive again. I can see. I am free. I can fly. I am found.
I echo the words of the singer and declare, "God, my God, I found myself in You again." -Jay Hansen | 
